my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
