Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
