Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
