So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
