i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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