I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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