my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am naked and annoyed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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