now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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