Umm I'm too high to move.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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