dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
