you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
