Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
