Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.