the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!