You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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