The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
