...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
