God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
