She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
