so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
