I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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