This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
