I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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