Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
