Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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