I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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