He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
