wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
