did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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