i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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