When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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