shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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