I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
