why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
