idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
