Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
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it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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