she kept yelling 'call me bella'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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