So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
