Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
