theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
