the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
