I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
