College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
