I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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