you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
