it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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