Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
