He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My cat gives me a boner
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
