man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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