How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
