10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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