I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
