I can text with my tongue
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
