I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
