...so i touched it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
